Tonight in our new normal laundry was going as we relaxed and watched tv. Out of no where a wave of nothingness and emotion hit me and before I got swept up in it’s current completely I simply asked John to hold my hand. He did.
As I could tell he was assessing the situation and what the need called for he gave it some time before he faced me and asked me to talk it out. I could not muster much. Simply that I didn’t know what I was feeling and why. He affirmed to me what I should already know by now: Depression.
Though I don’t always want it to be the first place I go, when my feelings and emotions or lack there of don’t quite make sense, it’s generally the culprit. Having a partner who knows you and also knows and understands mental illness does indeed help alleviate some of the spiraling. He’s able to talk it through and help pin point if there is guilt or conviction. Sin or physical exhaustion and chemical imbalance.
I say all that to say that to affirm to you dear heart, that though having people, and specifically one who loves every part of you, is so vital —- there is no cure all. Maybe hearing this isn’t the uplifting sentiment you were hoping for if you’ve read this far tonight. What I mean to say is no one person can take away the weight that is mental illness. Not even a spouse.
After we briefly talked it out, tears flooded. Coined phrases of “I’m tired of feeling so much passion and energy all for it to deplete.” Knowing and loving responses of “I know you are baby, there are things we can do” followed. In these moments he holds my hand, he talks it out, he lets me cry and feel. He assures me what I’m feeling isn’t logical but that it isn’t wrong to feel it either. These are all good things. But they don’t stop what’s happening completely.
Tonight if you’re in the throws of numbness and emotions hitting at once I’ll say this: find your people. Be willing to be vulnerable. Please don’t hide away. You matter. But just like any heartache or tragedies this world affords us, there is only one entity that knows it and your heart completely. That has gone before it and conquered it’s havoc. If you are His, as I myself search out the peace only He can give tonight, I pray you find rest in this knowing. Feel what you need to feel. Cry if you need to cry. Scream if you need to scream. At the end of that I pray you do what Jeremiah did in the midst of expressing every unwanted and gut wrenching torment. After describing God as a “bear lying in wait for me, a lion in hiding” he spoke truth over himself. And thus coined a familiarly quoted verse:
““But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:21-26 ESV
You are already His. The in between can be dreadful. The promise of His faithfulness remains. One day it will cease. But today isn’t that day. Take heart and know that you are loved in a way that makes no sense. You are loved in a way that surpasses today.
You are already but not yet.